(written August 16, 2008)
Well, this morning i decided something as i was running, that something was that i HATE to wear wigs! For those of you who don't already know, i wear a wig because i have alopecia, but this wig keeps me from doing all the things that i love to do and i'm sick of it! Its annoying to run because the plastic on your head just makes it sweat like crazy, I can't swim without worrying the whole time that it might come off, i can't enjoy myself at Lake Powell because i'm afraid to show the real me, i can't tube down high speed rivers like i would love to because i'm worried i'll get tipped and then loose my hair, i get scared at amusement parks, not because i'm a sissy but because i don't want my hair to fall off on some insane rollarcoaster, i can't enjoy myself at any beach because the waves would definitely take it right off. I can't pull my hair back and get it out of my eyes up into a ponytail. And I'm even worried around little kids that they might accidentily pull it off. This all may sound stupid but its real. There are so many things that i would love to do, that i'm dying to do, but i don't dare because of my hair.
This morning while i was running, i decided that i'm through, sure i'll still wear it to work (they didn't hire a bald girl), to church, to stuff like that but i'm sick of it being some big secret because really, its who i am, i sure don't like having this disease but honestly, there's nothing i've been able to do about it in the past and i doubt there's much i'll be able to do about it in the future. For those of you that had no idea that i wear a wig and are wondering what in the world alopecia is, keep reading...
When i was 11 years old, my hair started falling out, it began with just a really high hairline in the back but then continued falling out in different spots all over my head, it would usually fall out, and then grow back. All through middle school and high school i did my best to cover the bald spots with the hair that i did have but by the time i was a senior there just wasn't enough and i had to get a wig. When this was all happening i had started dating John. He always knew that something was wrong with my hair but never pushed it, and i didn't tell him for a while. At the beginning of our senior year, i finally told him and the cool thing was is he didn't care. When we decided that it was time that i needed to start wearing a wig, John was the one that shaved the hair that i did still have so that the wig would fit better. He was there for me through everything and he loved me anyways. I've actually been so blessed with great friends and family who were always supportive and loving of this thing that i was always so embarrassed and angry about. Doctor's always told me it was stress related but who doesn't stress out when their hair keeps falling out? I've always wanted to know why this had to be my trial, why did i have to go though this? I mean, most people go through trials and then their done, but my trial is never ending, it doesn't get over, it ju
st gets worse. Its been a hard thing in my life but when i look back, i realize how lucky i am to have my family and friends around. I'm grateful for my parents, for spending all the money they did on different doctors to try to find the source of the problem. I'm grateful for them for spending $850 every 8 months or so because i needed a new wig. I'm so grateful for John for always being by my side and understanding when i just can't take it anymore and i'm grateful to him for marrying me when he realized what a high maintenance person i have to be because of my hair. But you know what, i don't want to spend $850 anymore on wigs, i'd much rather use that money for something else, i don't want to be sad and emb
arrassed anymore because of something i can't control. Everybody else still loves me and i guess it's time i start loving myself and learning to live with the things i've been challenged with.I'm not going to be afraid anymore to go running without my hair, i'm not going to be afraid to enjoy myself no matter what i'm doing and i'm going to start to live my life to the fullest. Its time to let it go and i hope i can do it. So here i am, no secrets, no nothing, just me.
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